I've been really fortunate this year -- I've learned so much about who I am, what I want out of life, where I intend to go with it and how to enjoy it. Considering I felt like I was floundering this time last year, these findings are quite an accomplishment. However, I stumbled across them in an unexpected way. Last October I was spending Halloween with one of closest childhood friends. We were making breakfast and planning to study at one of our favorite coffee shops dressed as a ghost and a pumpkin (a recreation of former childhood costumes). As we were getting ready to head out on our bikes, I received a phone call from my aunt. She said my mom had been hospitalized and diagnosed with cancer. I was shocked and stunned. My mom had been sick earlier that week with what we thought was the flu. She missed work and whenever I called to check on her she wasn't her normal cheery mama self. Without a car, I had to wait for my aunts to come and get me in Seattle, so we could drive to OHSU in Portland. When we finally got there, it was around 5 pm. We entered the hospital with as much courage as we could muster...
My mom was strong, independent, smart, funny, a no-shit-from-anyone-kind-of-lady ... She managed one of the largest US Postal Service offices in the greater southwest Washington area and worked her ass off. When I was a kid, my mom worked a lot and took a great deal of pride in her job, but always made sure to make time for me. I never resented her sometimes obsessive work ethic, but admired it. She gave off a tough persona at work, but was goofy, funny and so youthful. I think having to manage over a hundred postal employees encouraged her dislike of people... She would always say she hated people, but nothing gave my mom more pleasure than talking to strangers and asking them questions whenever we were at events. She loved learning -- whether she was leading a conversation with a stranger to find out about how they live their lives or delving into the heart of every newspaper she could get her hands on... She always had her nose buried in some kind of reading material -- usually newspapers. My mom had an appreciation for the smell of old books, the texture of fabrics and pages, the quality of how things used to be made -- she had an eye for decorating and recycling old pieces of furniture. She was adventurous, rode a Harley Davison, had tattoos and had big plans for her life after retirement. She was supposed to retire on January 1st, 2011. It would have been a little over 30 years. She was in the process of remodeling our old house and had plans to buy a brand new car (we only ever bought used vehicles). She had adopted two senior beagles, Beagle and Opie, who had become valuable members of the family. She was going to travel and loose weight.... My mom was so excited to finally start her new life. I loved talking to her about all of her plans. We were very close.
....Taken aback by seeing my mom in her hospital bed, I tried to hold back tears. Hoping to reassure me, my mom asked everyone to leave so she could explain what was going on. The doctors had diagnosed her with Acute Miel Leukemia. With a bone marrow biopsy, the doctors could determine the best treatment for chemotherapy. The biopsy was scheduled for the following day. Relieved by my mom's confidence and bravery (she was always calm during serious situations), I was able to enjoy the rest of the afternoon in her company. We laughed and joked -- she sang me the lullaby I listened to as a kid (and my mom wasn't much of a singer).
Oooga boooga boooga
boooga boooga boo
I love you so much
do do do do do
you are my angel baby
yes you are
oooga boooga boooga
boooga boooga boo
Before my aunts and I left the hospital that night, I gave my mom a huge hug and a kiss and said we'd be back early in the morning. After a good night's rest, we returned to the hospital, but my mom was in critical condition. She was having problems with her blood pressure and breathing and the doctors couldn't stabilize her enough to conduct the biopsy. Why hadn't anyone called us to say she was having problems? This prevented them from doing leukoferysis, which is a process that is supposed to clean out the blast cancer cells. They were able to perform it once earlier that morning, but the replication rate of the cancer cells was very high. Her body was losing control.
The hardest part was seeing my mama unable to control her body. She couldn't breathe and she was in pain. The doctors told us they would continue trying to stabilize both problems and that there was a 50/50 chance she would make it-- they continued to do so for the next several hours. Then at 7:32 pm on November 1st, 2010 they told us it was time to let her go. Unable to control my emotions, I clutched my aunt's shoulder and wailed into her chest.
Even though my mom was unconscious, I tried to remain calm as we said our goodbyes. I sang to her and stumbled over my words...Then I clung to her chest and laid beside her after they took away her life support. I stroked her hair and tried to imagine her cheeks were rosy and full of life.
I was 20 when she passed away and technically an adult, but that day I really had to grow up.
It has almost been a year and so much has happened -- so many good things. How is it my life started to blossom after hers wilted? I still wake up daily and wonder if I'm delusional. I mean it happened over the course of 5 days -- explain how that happens to me! She had so much life left -- and was quite spunky for being 61.
This year my life has traveled a lot and she travels with me -- I've tried to live my life the way she always wanted me to -- not in the sense, that I live it for her, but she always encouraged me to explore every opportunity and be adventurous and open to new ideas and to not be afraid of taking chances.
Well mama, I'm doing just that!
Grief -- it travels, but it doesn't weigh me down.
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